Today...

Well once again I've not been keeping up my diary as much as I perhaps should, but life has not been good, and writing can not always be a top priority. My financial situation took a turn for the worst... some money went into my account and a loan payment was taken immediately out, so that meant no money left to live on!

I had to quickly apply, and thankfully got, a Crisis Loan from benefits. I received £40 for myself and my daughter to live on for the next two weeks. I also have to pay this loan back out of my benefit, if and when I should ever receive any.

I've been without medication for a week now, as the doctors didn't have it in, and I haven't got enough money, or petrol to go into town and obtain it from a chemist. My next payment day is Tuesday, so hopefully I can afford to put petrol in the car and pick up my tablets. Unfortunately, I had a bad episode on Friday night and ended up lying on the bathroom floor in a complete state, in the end my daughter called my brother to come over. Not a lot could be done for me, but she needed to have someone there with her, so she and my brother just watched in horror while I selfishly allowed the world close in on me. Alas I recovered, but due to the amount of crying, it meant I could hardly open my eyes due to the amount of swelling come Saturday morning. I don't know if all the crying helped me or not, but cry I needed to and did, and now I'm empty and feel I'm completely cried out! So with any luck my daughter will not have to witness her mother having a melt down for a good while yet. Mother will learn to melt down in private, in the middle of the night, and... silently!!!!

Easter was a bleak affair for us, I did manage to buy my daughter a small Easter egg, and when I say small, I mean small! However, she was pleased with it, and I also wrote her a card telling her how much she means to me, she really appreciated that. Her grandparents from her father's side whom, like her father, hardly ever make the effort to see her, thankfully being Easter have made an effort, and so she went to stay with them Sunday night and they've all gone out for a trip today. Her father did not see the need to be in contact.

So that's life as it is today, one day is almost exactly as the last and the next will be. It's all just one long day without much to look forward too... but we keep going, but exactly what for is any body's guess! Isn't funny how life can change so dramatically within a year, last year we had a great Easter, and Sunday dinner etc... I will get things back on track, but I've got a feeling it's going to take some time.

Today...

I can't believe it's been so long since I last blogged. Sometimes writing about the realities of life does not help, or maybe it does, I don't know, but I didn't write anything here. Although I have set up another web-blog, a fun one, and one that has nothing to do with me whatsoever! I think I just needed to feel apart from my real self, and so I guess I was trying to create a different world for myself in order to achieve that feeling.

My other blog has had somewhat more success than this one in terms of response, which in itself was a nice boost. Maybe that's been the problem with finding the energy to blog here... but then again was that not the whole idea of doing this diary, for me to understand how I react, especially when things are not going well... and well, I guess I've done that... I react by complete avoidance!

Some good new happened today, which maybe what triggered me into returning to my blog. I received a letter and have an appointment with a Psychiatrist at the end of April. Well actually no, my appointment is to see his Clinical Medical Officer, but at least I'm seeing someone! That's the good news in my life... the bad news is, my daughter and I are literally broke. We have no funds available at all, and have been living on whatever we can find. This has made us both pretty agitated with each other, understandably. Hopefully, some money will be in my account tomorrow otherwise I don't even want to think about how we're going to live. I don't quite know how it got this bad, it must be me, I must have not been concentrating on the money as I should have been. I've lost a lot of weight, which is actually okay as I'm not hungry anyway, but I have made sure my daughter has been fed... albeit mostly on bread, chocolate spread, and pasta! Not the best diet in the world but at least she's eaten, and she tells me she's fine with it. But like I said if the funds don't appear tomorrow then I shall have to look at her maybe staying with my brother for a few days... so that will cause problems in itself, but at least she'll be fed!

So that's my life today... let's hope tomorrow is better eh :-)

Today... 16th March 09

Well this weekend turned out to be an unexpectedly nice one. So I'm a bit worried now, as the tarot card for today is the Tower... meaning unexpected disruption! Typical. I can only justify that the power of the Tower so to speak, must be what is happening to me regarding my job, and the house etc. Tearing down the old way of life, to rebuild a different... even poorer... way of life?! I don't want to think about it.

Met up with some old friends over the weekend, and it was lovely. My daughter and I went out for dinner twice! Once, on Saturday evening, and again for Sunday lunch... and on both occasions our friends paid for our meals and drinks! This was so generous of them both, I was really quite taken back, and very touched. I offered to pay, but they wouldn't have it... and it made me appreciate their good friendship even though we live quite a distant. It's nice because we don't overly burden each other with our problems, we mention little bits here and there, but we don't sit and analyse everything,(sometimes even Gemini's can't be arsed!), and besides we didn't have time! So it was great to just be... normal, and chat and catch up, and have a laugh. And for me it was a wonderful tonic, and like I said it made me feel delightfully normal, and untroubled, if even only for a few hours: it was bliss.