Today...

BAD TIMES... today confirmed just how bad my whole situation and existence and so indeed that of my daughter's future has finally got. You know when you get that heavy feeling that you know you can no longer ignore... well I've the got that feeling. The shit has well and truly hit the fan!!!!!!!!! Where do I start? Everything prior to this evening now seems to have paled into insignificance on the grand scale of importance. And yet it is important for me to see how I'm reacting to the circumstances happening in my life.

I NEED TO BACKTRACK:
Today has been another day of exploring the net, it's time consuming,but I don't notice, I have sat six hours solid on my tiny little screen, and not even recognised the fact. And I can't help wondering is it all such a wasteful act? I mean I'm learning... all the time. I've learnt so much in such a short, if not compulsive time span. But I also feel silly, as most people have either already learnt this shit years ago, or have learnt it during their leisure time i.e. outside of work hours. For me, this has become a form of work replacement. In my own sad little way I kept justifying... well I'm keeping my brain active, I'm learning new skills, so that can't be totally bad? Yeah... well I might be doing all this, but to what fucking purpose? Today I even went as far as creating a new web-blog dedicated entirely to someone whom is so far removed my life it's laughable. Andy maybe that's the keyword... laughable! I'm a fan of this actor's work, and freely admit he's easy on the eyes and so it's not hard to find a way to follow his life story. So I created my own fan-like web-blog about this guy. How fucking stupid is that? How old am I? But it was an excuse you see... an excuse to try and learn more, but with the cover of trying to pass it off as something loads of people have done. Create a fan type blog, insert photos, make a slide show (new for me), and fill it the loads of crap. It's not the subject, as in the actor, it's the whole notion of being able to create something people would visit, just like they visit other web-blogs. It's about acceptance, but not by the people. It's the acceptance that I've created something and it's not been in vain because it's worked... and it's anonymous, even better!

So clearly I'm seeking acceptance, I'm seeking to feed my ego in some idealistic way. But why? Because everything else around me is falling apart? Probably. Is that depression, or just the reaction of any person? I don't know. But my thirst for learning is taking over at an un-acceptable level... I know that. I am becoming obsessive, my daughter is right, and she is suffering. Because on top of my learning quest frenzy, my body is not functioning properly, even by my standards. I'm falling asleep at about 5 p.m. until 8 p.m. regular as clock work. Why? I think I'm right to assume I'm feeling trapped and under pressure, but I'm also a mother. My child has been at school all day, so when she comes home she wants conversation, not exclusion because her mother is suddenly feeling the need to fall into a deep sleep! I really try not too, but the heaviness is so surreal, it's like bang, I'm gone. So then my daughter has to fend herself, make her own tea, which is a challenge in itself as there's not much to chose from, considering shopping is no longer a necessity for me, I'm not really eating, but she needs to eat. What am I doing? Why am I being like this? If, I'm conscious enough to know I'm not acting as I should be, then why can't I, be rational enough to react and change the way I'm acting?! I tried to make it up to my daughter later, she accepted, but it's not a good way for her to be living, or me.

Where do I go from here? Fuck knows... I will try and sort saving the house tomorrow, but the message sounded pretty final. On top of that, I have so many outstanding unpaid bills it's not worth thinking about, and that's been my downfall right? I haven't thought about them in a practical way, only in an emotionally stressed I know they're there but I can't deal with them way. And so consequently, everybody wants paying NOW! But what with? This is my life, and this is not how it was supposed to be. They say the only person who can help you, is yourself... how fucking true is that! I can't write anymore, I feel drained, defeated, sad, and a failure... this is not how I envisaged my life would be. Self-pity... right now, too fucking right!

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